sobs sit at the base of my throat
they’re clawing up my neck
I open my mouth and give them space to put up the show they’ve been waiting for but
the second I do they dissappear

the tears make my eyes heavy
I can’t see them but fuck
the weight of them is pulling me lower everyday
everyone else can see it in me

frequent, “laali are you okay?”‘s remind me of how the marks they’re leaving is visible
not in the most traditional way but
visible
they remind me that it’s not just something in my head
it’s there
they see it
everyone sees it but for some reason
the tears won’t fucking spill

and so it stays,
sobs stay at the base of my neck and tears mark me for
days

they don’t fall
they don’t let me take them away
they just stay
and have for months and
im so exhausted just thinking of all the sobbing I’ll have to do when they finally decide to let go

but I try,
I write and I pour everything into it
I write of how I don’t feel like anything is real and how I don’t think I’m worth the people I’m surrounded with,
I write of how I’ve loved but how the idea of being loved back is unsettling,
I write of how theres a cloud over my head and its not fucking pouring,
and I write about writing
and how it’s the only safety and home i have
and I keep trying
and maybe if my words don’t move anyone,
at least they’ll move the fucking cloud from over my head.

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