i roll over
the light blinding my fucking eyes rather than softly waking me up as it should
i mean
we see it in the movies right?

the leading lady wakes up around ten on her stupidly soft looking bed with a white comforter
she stretches and we see peaks of her soft body and lace
she wakes up
her hair tumbles over her shoulders and she looks like a goddess

she looks like someone most of us want to be
i mean
i grew up falling in love with several indian actress
thier dark skin
pretty smile
fluffy hair
and the way they were so unapologetic of how loud and brown and present they were jesus
yet someone i couldnt do it for myself
i mean how could i
i wasnt really allowed to-
my dad telling me as i shopped for a swimsuit and around the age of ten,
“beta get the long one youll get darker”
as if it were a crime, i thought dark wasnt beautiful for awhile
and it echos in my head sometimes
aunties’ voices get stuck in my head,
“beta have you lost more weight? its not pretty if you dont eat”
kids at school would tell me of how my hair had only gotten bigger since the day before,
compare my legs to those of the fair pretty girl whose legs lacked any as though
nature had done a crime on giving me hair
as though the same boy didnt have leg hair long enough to braid

so with a hand on my soft tum,
im already dreading standing up and passing that fucking mirror on the way to the toilet
i sigh and open my eyes
sinking lower into my bed for a few more seconds,
maybe if i dont look ill feel pretty today
not too skinny
not too much hair
not to much melanin
none of that

so i sink
sleep in my eyes and goosebumps
underwire poking at my ribs and i can already feel how big my hair is and
i already feel like shit
i pull myself up

i pass the mirror
soft skin and baby blue lace catches my eye
and i stare
feet thighs stomach chest neck ears eyes hair
i stare
body hair moles stretch marks knots in my hair
i stare

maybe im still sleepy i think to myself
because i stare
and im looking at myself the way i used to look at those actresses-

“beautiful” echos in my head

-dec, 15