i cant feel a lot
other than overwhelming panic or sadness
im either laughing too much
or not enough
and either ways i just
want the world to open up
swallow me whole
let me cry
and then spit me back out again
new and healed

no one can see it on my face
no one could read the mess i was feeling
and for that i was grateful
pretending is hard
and knowing you’ve failed at even that hurts

but i met you
first time in months
and you knew immediately
i wore a fake smile
gold on my eyelids
and an unnecesarily anxious attitude that no one
including myself
could identify
but you knew-

when the ice finally broke,
you asked me if i was okay
told me i didnt look fine

its true
im not fine
i dont understand why everything is affecting me so much,

my psych says its because im filled to the brim
and because i dont let myself even breathe in peace,
everything is going to hurt way too much

somehow though
holding your hand made everything feel like just
background radio static for once.

– 29/6/17 7:42pm
cameron highlands