theres something in my throat
i dont quite know what it is but
here’s what i do know

1)it feels like nails against my throat

2)it burns like what id assume gulping down rejection feels like

3)its got this unnecessary control over me
almost as though
someones got my brain in the form of a remote control in their hand
and they’re sitting idle
and for some reason
my brain remote control thing is the only source of entertainment they can find

4) im pretty sure this persons name is a taboo in most communities,
starts with a D
end with a N,
hes Voldemort in a weird way,
say his name and i promise
youll be met with nervous smiles and uncomfortable stares,
he musnt be named
but hey
fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself sO
ten points to whoever knows his name

5)this clawing does a few things,
mainly reminding me to disassociate
but be incredibly emotional at the same time,
each action being met with the validation
of a friendly squeeze around my neck,
maybe an extra few scratches if im lucky
reminding me the better i perform the more ill get.

i dont quite know what any of this means
but i need to stop writing
im about to choke.

-29/6/17 8pm